I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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