those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
