Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Randomize
