An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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