I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
