went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
