Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
