he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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