when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
