is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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