someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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