take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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