he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
