I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
