Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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