Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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