He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
