i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize