be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Randomize