Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
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