I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
