there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
