Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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