I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Randomize
