The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
