I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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