I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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