What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize