Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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