I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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