Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
We are all done wearing pants today
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize