Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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