apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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