The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I am spending my child support on dildos
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Randomize
