I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
