I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
so let's talk penis.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
