i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Randomize
