i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
