I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Randomize
