I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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