I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Randomize
