i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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