I need help removing her.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
