Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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