when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I still have a little drunk in my system
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
