I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
