The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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