I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
