i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
