I think i sorta joined a cult last night
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
