And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
