Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Randomize
