Just fell off a train. Bad.
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
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