whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
