I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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