I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Green mimosas i think yes
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
