I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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