i just wanna soil my oats bro
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
