the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
