Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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