Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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