Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
