doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
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