Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
a search helicopter?!
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
