just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
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