This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
