I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Found the puke drawer
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
