Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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