You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
