The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Randomize