If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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