Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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