I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
