I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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