Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
