And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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