and next time when you feel me up, do it right
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
