New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
